A Still, Small Voice…
To be still these days is no easy matter. Our lives are filled with instant news, social media with its thousand distractions, demanding jobs, angry people, great disasters, violence, illness and quiet heartbreak. The solace of stillness may seem, for many, to be a long way off.
In the past 2 years, I have had to fight the depression of unemployment, poverty, a constant state of uncertainty moving from place to place, and the verbal abuse of an unhinged person. It was an almost daily battle just to wake up and struggle through another day. Though I have been able to start over and remove myself from that situation, a few recent experiences have brought those feelings of fear, anger, anxiety and depression back to the surface. It was exhausting in every sense of the word.
After a particularly terrible day, I laid down on my bed and said a short and heartfelt prayer. “Heavenly Father, please help me to heal from this.” After I closed the prayer, I laid there silently just letting my mind wander with my eyes closed. About a minute later, I heard an instrumental song that I love begin to play through my mind. Then I felt Him and I heard Him. It was, as the scripture says, a still small voice. It was a voice that was filled with such gentleness, peace and light that I felt profoundly loved.
His answers provided me comfort, peace and guidance during a time where things seemed fairly hopeless. The song that played through my mind was no coincidence. It’s titled “Hymn to Hope” by Secret Garden. (Linked below.) The answers I had just received gave me real hope that certain things I have been waiting on were at my door and my life was about to turn around. The heavy darkness and burdens were almost instantly lifted and I could get off my bed and face the next steps.
It is hard to shut away the world, even for a few moments. But I promise this, the peace that comes from that stillness is worth more than anything else this world can offer. “Be still…and know that I am God.”
Why?
Just a good reminder for myself that we often don’t know why certain things happen, but that’s ok. Sometimes it’s ok not to know. Sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other in the darkness holding on with faith that the light will come. Because, as I’ve said before, the light does come. Eventually, it always comes.
My hugs to each and every one of you.
This is dedicated to all of those who are struggling to find out the “why” in their own lives:
One Sunday at church, a little girl around 2 or 3 years old was being firmly led down the hallway by her father. It was obvious that she was being led away from where she wanted to go when cried out “BUT WHY??!!!”
I had to admit that I and another woman laughed a little and the other woman remarked “You will be asking that more than once in your life.” And I nodded in agreement.
I couldn’t help but see the parallel. A loving Father leads his child down a path that He knows is best, but the child doesn’t understand why her Father is taking her away from what she wants.
How many times do we walk that path? How many times do we cry out “Why?!!!” when we…
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Coming Full Circle
“You can’t go back.” This phrase is commonly used in reference to re-visiting a place where you once had happy memories. I used to believe this. I used to believe that no place you returned to would ever hold the joy and happiness you once felt living there. I’m happy to say I was wrong.
I recently moved back to Spokane, Washington. I was born and raised here and it holds many wonderful childhood memories for me. I moved away when I was 15 years old, but am surprised to find how many of my memories of good times still hold true. If any place felt like home for me, this is the place. It’s the only home where I felt my family had deep roots.
In my 2 months here, I have visited with friends I knew long ago and my heart remembers the simple joy I once knew. It was a joy not complicated by a world filled with the daily bombardment of the stress and pressures of being an adult.
No, my world then was filled with playing games outside in the summer until the stars came out. A world where I would watch terrific lightning and thunder storms from the windows and never be afraid. A world where fireworks and lakes and potato salad were synonymous with Independence Day. A world where crisp apples and smoky air from the farmers’ annual burning of their fields would announce the beginning of school and fall. A world where pumpkin pie, hot chocolate and Halloween costume parades would give way to the first snowfall and the excitement of Christmas. A world where winter greys would meet blue spring skies, yellow daffodils and the cycle of a beautiful life would start over.
That was my childhood. Of course we had our fair share of troubles as anyone does, but as a child and young teenager, the good far outweighed the bad.
For the first time in many years, I’m finding the little girl I once knew. She was buried under years of disappointments, failure, abuse, neglect, sadness, anger, and pain. But here, it’s as if the years have melted away and I find her again with that similar wistful innocence. In Washington’s splendid June beauty, I see the gentle verdant rolling hills, the bushes covered with lavender lilacs and pink roses, the lakes and the farms and towering pines that graced the paths of my childhood. They are still all here and as warm and welcoming as they were when I was a child.
A few days ago, I sat on the porch of this old Victorian house where I’m currently living and laughed with my friend and her children and parents over life. We talked about memories and how her father had been taught by my grandmother in elementary school! I laughed with my girlfriend as we talked about playing with barbies and unicorns. The sun was setting as we ate popsicles and I listened to them all share stories of life. I rocked and smiled staring at the one hundred year old trees that lined the street. Inwardly, I took a deep breath and let out a mental sigh of relief…I’ve finally come home.
True faith isn’t blind…
Our inner GPS or spiritual guidance will always lead us into the unknown–if we already knew it, we wouldn’t need to be guided, right?
It’s not blind faith but one born of practice and actual experiences that teach us that
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You have wings…I promise.
I love this blog and I absolutely agree with what she says. “It is often when things seem to be the darkest that we are at the precipice of our greatest opportunities for real growth, and we find our wings!”
I wonder if the caterpillar is aware that it is literally falling to pieces when it’s in the chrysalis. Does it become afraid? Does it think that things have really gone seriously wrong? Does it sit and plan how it will return to “normal,” inching along on the ground? What is happening certainly can’t make any sense to it while it’s happening. Only as it finally emerges and takes flight could it possibly see that it was very mistaken. It could have simply rested in trust all along.
Things are often not as they appear; sometimes, what looks like falling apart is a preparation for a whole new experience. The old ways are sometimes simply out of alignment with the new ones forming, and they need to crumble to make room.
I’ve experienced this a few times,
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Love Where You Are Now
I don’t often reblog, but I love what she said and it was something I needed. I am always planning for something great in the future and often miss out on the beautiful present. “Your life’s journey will come along at your own pace…” Such a good reminder to those who tend to stress about the future too much like me. Sending hugs to all my readers and I will be writing more soon.
Love where you are now. It’s much easier to move on when you learn to appreciate yourself and your environment in the present moment. We all have days when we feel like we failed so many times that there’s not much sense in trying again. Instead of giving up, try to appreciate and give gratitude for where you are now because it really will make it easier to keep going. Appreciation of who you are and all that is a part of you is what’s going to kick things into gear and help you make the necessary changes you desire. You simply cannot move onto better things when you are full of doom and gloom. Your high vibrations mean so much when your desire is to life a fulfilled and happy life. So, learn to trust the journey even when things look uncertain, there is always hope for a better…
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Letting Go
Deep breath…
Exhale…
Shoulders drop and release
Pain slides away
Peace comes in its place
I let go…
Of gritted teeth
Of poisonous words
Of irrational rages
Of the pretense of love
I let go…
Of daily excuses
And drunken tears
Of empty promises
And unspoken fears
I let go…
And turn away
From the darkness to light
To a new path
To a new life
I let go…
The Miracle of Christmas
“Unfortunately, we won’t need your help after the end of December.” Those were the words my current supervisor said to me this morning. A contract job I had been told I would have for several more months (and was hoping would become permanent) was now ending. I had just started the job in the middle of October after a five month stretch of looking for work with no income.
I hung up the video call, bent my head and wept. It was too much.
The week before Thanksgiving, I separated from an extremely toxic marriage. My sister and brother-in-law kindly took me in as I had no money for rent. The oh-so-gracious landlord said I could only stay until the end of December, but that did not matter, as I had made plans with a friend to work and live abroad for a few months come January. I would finally get to go back to England which I had been missing for a long, long time. My husband would stay in the states and take the car and the cats. It was a good plan for the both of us.
In one fell swoop, everything was wiped away. Instead of visions of sugar plums, I had visions of large debts that I owe looming in my head. Where was I going to live when the time came for me to leave? How was I going to survive with no income if I didn’t find something right away? What would happen when the money ran out? These questions hit me hard. After work ended, I laid in bed in a dim room and let the tears stream down my face. I kept thinking of that quote by J.K. Rowling “Rock bottom became the foundation upon which I rebuilt my life.” I felt at rock bottom.
I watched a Christmas movie with my sister trying to keep my spirits up while I applied to jobs on my phone. All I did was make cynical comments. Christmas…bah humbug. I was definitely not in the mood for anything even remotely jovial. The romance between the couple seemed a mockery of my own relationship. Their silly problems seemed ridiculous in the face of what I was experiencing.
But the end line of the movie talked about faith…the one thing that binds everyone together. I felt a tear slip down my cheek. My own faith felt small and broken.
I had to run an errand to the grocery store. Small snowflakes were lightly covering the wet ground. I walked slowly from my car and for a moment, turned my face up to feel the snowflakes on my cheeks and nose. They tickled. I had forgotten that they could tickle like that. I felt something innocent bubble up inside of me. It was small, but it was there.
As I finished my errand and got back in my car, I switched on the radio and these lines were sung “A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices…for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.” And then I suddenly remembered: Christmas was about Him…the Savior of the World. It wasn’t about how much money you had nor how many presents were under the tree. It was about remembering that the greatest gift of all was something that could never be wiped away. A gift that was given freely to every human on earth…the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The gift of pure love.
And then I felt it. That peaceful, quiet, spiritual miracle of Christmas. Him…Jesus the Christ.
I took a deep breath and wiped a tear away. It will be ok, no matter what happens, it will be ok. I don’t know how, but He’s proven it to me over and over again. I simply must just trust Him. I believe in miracles, especially at Christmas. I don’t know if my miracle will come before or after that beautiful day, but it will come. Yes, it will come. I believe…I believe…I believe…
A Little Christmas Humor
Just a short video to lift your day. My cat, Rock, discovered the Christmas tree on my desk. (Watch to the end…) 🤭😆
Digging Deep for Forgiveness and Gratitude
I’m in a place I never wanted to be. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say the trials of many months have taken their toll on my optimism and dreams. Life has become a constant barrage of pessimism and problems to be dealt with on a daily basis. There are too many days I lay in bed when my alarm goes off and I dread what the day holds.
However, in the midst of this cycle of depression, I am driving down the road and I see a scarlet and orange tree flaming in the sunlight. It is glorious and quivering with life as each leaf seems to dance with joy. Behind it lies a sky of deep, azure blue and it takes my breath away. It’s enough to stop the torrent of negative thoughts that have become my daily companion.
As I continue to drive, I see hundreds of towering, dark cedar pines standing close together like a line of soldiers guarding the long-held secrets of the wild woods. The canopy of green is so thick that barely a ray of sunlight breaks through. Then in another moment, I round the bend and the waters of the bay suddenly spread out in front of me. The sun glints off the water and the radiance of it all blows away the last vestiges of the cobwebs of my negativity.
Instead of the fog of depression, I am suddenly reminded of how grateful I am to be here surrounded by nature’s vast and magnificent beauty. It is a humbling moment. The thought passes through my mind “I’m still here, Melissa.”
I whisper “I’m sorry” to my Heavenly Father. I have lost my way, but instead of the reproach I expect to feel, He reaches back with what feels like a warm, understanding hug. “I love you, daughter. I know…I understand.” And that is enough. Healing tears come and the bitterness begins to melt away. I have gone through this before and I will likely go through it again, but with humility comes the reminder that God has a plan. I don’t understand it, but He does. And He loves me…and for now, that is enough.
Just A Little More Time…
(Dedicated to my husband Paul)
Speaking of our greatest fears
We held each other tight
And wept in the watches
of the darkest of nights
The morning brought the dawn
The drying of the tears
The beginning of the fight…
For the right to another year
We don’t ask for much Father
Just a little more time
To hold each other tenderly
Through this terrible climb
We’ll find joy in the moment
And laughter in our love
Until our time is finished
And you call him home…
Just don’t let it be too soon please.
Please God…just a little more time…
A Gentle Hope
My own words have come back to help in a time I need them the most.
I walked with my head down and my hands in my pockets, deep in thought and trying desperately to keep the tears from falling. I felt weary and worn out by the world. Problems that seemed to have no answer were made more complicated by my wavering feelings. Regrets from the past weighed down my hopes for the future. Too many broken dreams made it almost impossible to dream again. I felt old and tired.
She danced across my path then. I was walking through a green field and there she was. A young, innocent little girl with a flower in her sandy, brown hair. She had a few freckles spread across her nose and she sang as a kitten chased after her. She was laughing to herself at some inner joke that only she could hear. She stopped just a few feet away and looked up at me. Looking…
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Darkness and Light
For about a year now, I have been wading through some very prolonged trials. From health problems to a very difficult job to relationship struggles to car accidents and more. There were many days where even leaving the house to go to the grocery store took almost more effort that I had in me. I would just barely began to get over one problem or event when the next one hit. It was like a battering ram at times or like I was drowning.
But as I’ve stated many times, the one thing that has kept me going is hope that things will turn around. I can now see a ray of light in the darkness…a potential answer that could bring great joy to me. It’s not secure yet, but it is real. And it will come. The other parts of my life are starting to slowly turn around and I feel for the first time in a long time like I can finally breathe a little freer.
I’m not out of the woods yet, but today I can rejoice in the warmth of a sunny spring day. I hear the chirpings of baby birds in a nearby tree, I see my cats warming themselves on the grass and chasing each other about and my soul looks up and smiles at the clear, baby blue sky. The air is sweet and I take a deep breath letting it cleanse the ugliness away. Does it mean everything will be perfect? Of course not. But it’s getting better.
I can dream again…and that itself is worth the pain and suffering of long dark periods. There must needs be opposition in all things so that we might appreciate the sweet release of pain when it comes. For it DOES come. I know there are those who see nothing but darkness with no hope of ever seeing the light, but let me reiterate again…THE LIGHT WILL ALWAYS COME. Don’t give up hope my friends, the light is coming.
One Eternal Round…
March snow drips heavily
Seeping into muddy fields
While waiting seeds yield
Another season of spring
Another tree bends in the wind
Whether it be palm or oak or willow
Another April tulip sways
Another June sunset closes the day
The August days of heat
Paint an October scarlet leaf
And another storm laden cloud
Blows the December snow into drifts…
It all blends together
in this chaos of living
Pain, joy, birth, death
Nothing more than a breath…
Another life begins
Another life ends…
And so the round clock
Sets the course of our lives
Continuously…
Momentarily…
Temporarily…
Constantly…
Until we reach
Beyond the unseen veil
“The undiscovered country
From whose bourn
No traveller returns…”
And the loud ticking minutes
Of a mortal journey
Become the peaceful serenity
Of gentle eternity
The First Snow of Christmas
It’s December. Right now the frost lays thickly on the still green grass and drab plowed fields I view out my window. The mountains are beige-brown and bare. There is a bit of leftover fog and mist that seem reluctant to leave with the rays of the morning sun. The school bus drives past full of sleepy students who are just waiting for Christmas vacation to begin.
During this time of year, I dream of swirling snowflakes and winds whistling around the corner of the old house. I yearn to see white fields and mountains with virgin snow gracing its folds. I envision every tree branch outlined in the white lace of winter ice.
This year, however, snow has kept its distance and a warmish Autumn has extended even into December. The scenery has been a reflection of my feelings many times. Instead of that magical cheer I often feel in December, there has often been a sense of frustration, melancholy, hopelessness and at times, even a bit of despair. This has been the most difficult year I’ve had in 10 years. My heart has been hit relentlessly and has numbed itself to the next coming trial as one can only take so much. This past November with it’s pale sunshine, dry earth and faded leaves have echoed the discouragement I have often felt.
But even as I type this, a strong gale of wind comes sweeping through the yard and dark, iron grey clouds have gathered. I stand in the grass and the former warm breeze has turned icy. I smile and a childlike excitement quickens my heart. I know the signs…a sure harbinger of snow. There is a crispness to the air and every thing seems to be a little more alive.
In a few hours, the first Christmas snow will begin and with it, the pain of this year will begin to wash away. The silence and peace of drifting snowflakes will ease my mind and a thick blanket of snow will hush my weary soul. I am at peace as the magic of this holy season once again slips softly into my heart. I am, once again, a child at Christmas.
And as if in response, a distant jingle of bells on the air whisper “Welcome home Melissa…”
The Star Wanderer
She clad herself in a gossamer dress of iridescent clouds And donned a pair of starshine slippers She wrapped herself in the shawl of an amethyst sunset And adorned her head with a crown of fairy lights The Star Wanderer was off to a new adventure New fantasies called And with a periwinkle twinkle In her endless eyes She called to me in my dreams We flew away on ballet wings through the Milky Way dancing around the Andromeda galaxy whirling through Cassiopeia's stars waving gaily at Pegasus We sipped golden cups of dew with sleepy morning glories Laughed with the Effervescent man in the moon And swam with merry mermaids in faraway indigo oceans We crashed loud cymbals of thunder And played chase with the lightning Racing the laughing wind Over summer fields Of green and gold and lavender And as the rays of an early sun Began to light the eastern sky The Star Wanderer and I Made our way back to my dreams Where I blinked my sleepy eyes And smiled... At the starshine slippers on my pillow.
Still Thinking
I just wanted you all to know that I’m still writing in my head. It’s just that every time I try to put it down, it doesn’t come out quite right. I’m working on new pieces, they will be out soon. Just want everyone to know that I haven’t given up my blog. Sending my love and hugs to you all!
Update
Dear Friends, I know I haven’t been writing much lately. Just a quick update – I met someone and we got married in February. Things are hectic as we are preparing a move to a warmer place. I will be writing soon. Sending a hug to one and all!
Wallflower Blossoming 🙂
In Search of a Word…
I was recently watching the movie “Eat, Pray, Love” where the main character, Elizabeth, and her friends were discussing if cities and people had one word to describe them. While each person seemed to know the perfect word, Liz couldn’t come up with what seemed a good fit. Her friend said “Maybe you are a woman in search of a word.” That stayed with me, because a person in search of a word is in search of who they really are.
I have had many words that described me over the years: wallflower, hopeless romantic, creative, nerd, free-spirited, stubborn, bossy, generous, loving, efficient, adventurer, introvert, single, married, divorced, etc. Each of these words has described facets of my personality, but none of them have ever quite hit the mark. I don’t know if there is a word that could completely describe one person, but I believe there might be a word or phrase that seems to describe different stages of life.
Having just recently had a milestone birthday, I realized I’m a woman in search of a word. But a new word takes time to develop. It must incorporate the old ones that described your past stages and life lessons learned along the way. It should bring together the inevitable cracks in your walls and the random wild flowers that bloom in those new spaces. It must merge the weather-worn and fiercely polished stones with that one brilliant piece of gold that shines when the sun hits it just right. It is past, present and hopeful future blended into one superlative description that seems to just cry “You!”
I don’t know yet what that word will be, but whatever it is, it will be beautiful.
Wallflower Blossoming 